Every morning, I walk down the stairs to go to work, and my bright little shinning light is sitting on the floor, with the biggest smile, the happiest heart, and clapping hands. Its the best start to my morning! He gets SOOOO excited to see me, and it melts my heart, EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING. So, today as I walked out of the house with my melting heart, and big smile, it slowly started to fade into tears. I couldn't help but lose it on my way to work. Knowing that tomorrow he will go in for his 6th surgery in 11 1/2 months, breaks my heart. It breaks because he has NO IDEA what is coming. For all he knows, he's gonna wake up to his nurse and have the same smile waiting for his momma and daddy when they comes down the stairs, and he will have another normal fun day at home. But the truth is, that's not what is gonna happen. He's gonna wake up to yet ANOTHER early trip to his "hotel"aka - Dell Childrens hospital, get some lovin from momma, daddy, grandparents, and aunties, and then go down for a "nap". He will wake up after 8 hours of sleep, and not know what hit him. My heart breaks, because he doesn't understand why. He doesn't understand that I DONT WANT THIS ANYMORE. He doesn't understand that I AM NOT DOING THIS BY CHOICE....it has to be done baby boy! I know he won't remember any of it, and THANK GOD FOR THAT.... I don't want him holding grudges against me....my heart hurts enough.
I lose sleep in the days leading up to surgery. I lose smiles. I gain strength (but don't know it at the time) but the worst thing, is that I lose patience. I of all people - the most patient one of my family. I lose it. I get anxiety. My baby, my heart. The one I carried inside of me for 10 months. He is taken from my hands by the surgery team, and returned to me with tubes and wires, and doped up on meds. I HATE this. He will lay still for hours, for DAYS. The doctor says after day 2 when the swelling sets in, his eyes will be SWOLLEN SHUT. His words hurt my heart even more, but I know he wants me to be prepared. His words sting when he says that, "He will look different after this surgery. We will not freak out when we see the swelling, because we know its coming" Its like some one is preparing you for that knife to stab you in your heart. You just need to know that its gonna be bad... its gonna be hard. He's going to be cranky for a couple of days because he won't be able to open his eyes. My bright little light. He won't be shinning for momma. Momma has to shine for him, and I feel helpless. I feel dull. How can I possibly get through this again. I will. I have to. For him.
This surgery is big like the last one. Aprox. 8 hours. They will reshave the hair on his head. Reopen his zig zag scar from ear to ear. Take the distractors from the last surgery out. They will cut the top part of his skull and reshape it and fix the top of his head. They will fix the little bulge on the sides. And they will move his forehead forward. Whew... I hurt just thinking about it. The "hotel" stay (Im tired of saying HOSPITAL) will be another 5-7 days. Gabe and I will sleep on the pull out bed. I will sit by B's side and wait for his light to be bright. To be Happy. To be him. However long it takes. I will wait. I need his bright light to calm my heart.
I write this, and my favorite song comes on. "Lets be still" by The Head and the Heart. Which I find funny, because here I am talking about his head and my heart. And as I listen and write, I take away this. Lets be still. Just for a moment. Live in the day. Don't be anxious. Be still. I will enjoy today with him. I will hold him. I will love on him, extra! I will be still. Be still my heart. Let the world stop turning just for a moment.
Tomorrow when I wake up to the moon still out, I will turn on my light, so that I shine for him. But today, I will savor every minute of his happy, bright shinning, little soul. It will warm my heart, and I will carry it with me and hold on to it. And I know he will be back in my arms soon.
I pray for the doctors and the nurses. I pray for steady, knowledgeable hands. I pray for Brody to fall asleep with his Angels by his side and to wake up with their gentle touch. I pray for his anesthesiologist. To help him breath. To keep him from feeling any pain. I pray for Gabe and I to be strong for each other. I pray for my heart to be strong for everyone. I know that Gabe needs me too. I pray that I can comfort him in his hurt. I pray for his Angels to carry him through. I pray. I cry. I pray some more.
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With a hurting heart,
-S
