B has a procedure tomorrow. Another one. A short one, but another one under anesthesia. I hate this. I think the night before a procedure is the worst. You know its coming and all you can do is think about it. "Will he be able to handle the anesthesia AGAIN? Will they give us good news? What if they find something that will put a damper on all our plans for him." The day before a procedure is .....well....it is what it is.... I dont even have the words to explain it. Your whole day is consumed by the thought of that single moment at the big white doors, when you have to hand over your son to a stranger. A nurse, and Im sure a really loving one, but still a stranger. I can tell you every detail of that moment.
Ive We've been there too many times. We have walked down that hallway too many times. First, it started with him in an incubator, then I carried him, tomorrow Im sure he will be walking him self and not knowing where he is going. Then, we will come up to the big red STOP sign. Like one you see on a street. There will be 2 big white metal doors behind it. The nurse will say " ok, time for hugs and kisses... don't worry MOM, we will take good care of him" She says "mom" because I am the one who turns into a baby. I hold him, I cry, I kiss him a thousand times. And I say "i'll see you in a bit....be good....be brave.....i'll see you when you wake up" I've said that 8 times and counting. 8 times to many.
That is what the day before a procedure is like. You play that moment over and over and over in your head. You have a different train of thought. Nothing in the world matters or makes sense. You mentally try to prepare for another long day at the hospital. Get some rest, they tell you. But you cant. Too many thoughts going through your head. And that one moment just plays and plays, and it wont stop until you relive it the next day.
The day before a procedure flat out SUCKS!
Tonight after we put B to bed, we sat and watched the movie "
Unbroken". Its about a WWII POW. A true story. An amazing story. There is a line that he repeats to himself when the times get tough.
"IF YOU CAN TAKE IT, YOU CAN MAKE IT" I feel like B is a POW in his own life war. We are pfighting to get out of this and over come it. And this statement holds true to
him US. If we can take it, we can make it. One day, after the times have been tough, after we have been beaten down with obstacles, we will make it. We HAVE made it. We have made it this far. We have beaten the "live past infancy" obstacle, amongst many others. We are going strong. HE is going strong. He will make it. And with that little 9 word statement, our pfight continues.
I pray tonight that the doctors get good rest. That B handles the anesthesia, yet again. I pray that they give us ANOTHER good and positive report. That these findings set us up for success for the big surgery in September. I pray for mental stability for Gabe and I. I pray for our pfamily. I pray for a fast and easy recovery for B. I pray for his pfight. I pray for him.
gofund.me/pfightingpfamily
good night,
-S
