We all know that one person, maybe more, who just seem to talk and talk and talk. They are the person that can make friends with a tree. Most often than not, some one will get annoyed with just how much they can talk. But to that "Chatty Cathy", talking is just their way of life. Its just what they do. Some even make a living out of it. Some spend their drive to work talking to them selves, or making phone calls just to talk to someone. Its just who they are and what they do. They talk.
Every day when I get off of work, the first thing I do is call Gabe to see how his day is. Its a routine. 12pm phone call. Some days, our chats are longer than others, and some are just real quick and to the point. I love to hear his voice, and its just a calming sort of peace for me. We usually share a laugh or 2 and always hang up with an "i love you, gina" (gina is my nickname.. long story). Today was one of those "hey someone is in my office, ill call you back in a sec" "ok, bye", and I continued my drive home. As I stopped at a red light, I grabbed a set of papers that I have to fill out for Brody's dr apt tomorrow. Another Dr. apt. These things are never ending. Its his 16th month developmental apt. Every 6 months we have to go so they can track his development. And I cringe at the thought. I cringe, because if we were not medically dependant, this wouldst be an issue. I cringe because we are "followed by doctors". Every time I have to fill out these papers, I.CRINGE
Today's cringe of the paper work was just a bit harder than usual. It was like someone just came out of the paper and punched me in the face. The very first section was "COMMUNICATION". Does your child say four or more words IN ADDITION to "momma and dada"? My first and only thought at that moment was "WELL NO YOU JERKS, MY CHILD DOESN'T SPEAK!" And then the tears poured down like rain. It hit me. I just want to hear my child say "i love you, momma" I want to hear him call out for me and gabe. I long for that sweet voice that I know is inside of him to just say "hi, bye, momma, daddy, i love you" any thing. I just want his sound.
His sweet little sound.
When will I hear his voice. I have waited for that moment since I found out I was pregnant. I was soon going to be a momma with a little nugget running around screaming. Telling me he/she loves me. Telling me random things that would make me laugh, cry, cringe. I was always gonna have that little voice that I would call "mine".
I sat at the light and cried. Thinking of the fact that I may never get to hear the voice or the 3 sweet words every parent loves to hear "I.LOVE.YOU"
At that moment, as I threw down the papers, my phone rang. It was Gabe calling me back to finish our convo. In a short 5 min, I went from my "peppy" self, to a "somber pissed off with a heavy heart" kinda person. The tears were rolling down and I just had to let Gabe know how my heart was hurting. I ranted for a while, talking in between my sobs. "Why us?" Why can I not hear him say "i love you".... Why do they have to send us THESE papers. They know my child doesn't speak. Cant they send us some with out this section? Every time I read the questions, it was like I was getting hit!
It was then that Gabe said the most truest words I have ever heard. "He may not say it with words, but he ALWAYS shows us in his own way that he love us" It may be with his excited little squeaks, his random open mouth kisses, or even the pull on my nose.... but he will always have his own little ways.
And just as quickly as the rain stopped, my tears were gone. He was right. Bear will always know just the right way and time to not tell me but SHOW me that he loves me... because like the old saying goes "Actions speak louder than words"
So with this CHRISTMAS season upon us, I ask one thing of all of you... go SHOW some one you love them. Sit and listen to some one speak. Enjoy the sweet sound of your child's voice. And above all else, NEVER be afraid to use your voice in a way that you want to. Sing, laugh, cry, shout, do what you can with your voice, and never take for granted what you have, because some of us don't get that.
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With a loving and hopeful voice,
S
P.S. There is a device that we can HOPEFULLY one day put on his trach to help him make sound, but at this moment he is not ready for it. We have tried and he failed the test run. Hopefully soon or when we go to Cincinnati, we can try again. But for now, its just not for us.
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